Journal entry 1
I went to the temple today.
I was rather glad that he was not there. However, I still kind of expect him to come in some ways.
Then he comes and I hide.
When I come out my hiding place, I talked with him.
But he was busy with his dear phone.
He is closing himself he is afraid to get hurt again.
But that phone was not related to that, he has always been busy.
I may be reading to much into it but he is now simply trying to be just friends, if not anything at all.
He ignored me, like how he comfortably ignore his other friends.
However, I would like to believe I am still special.
I do not like that he wasn't giving his attention to me.
Partly though I was glad, because I would feel terrible if that is the way he will be in our 'relationship'. He isn't the caring type. He have never been taught much manners and chivalry, social ettiquete and the sort. He have his reasons, and it doesn't mean that he is bad. But I am not used to being treated like that, so I was glad I choose not to be 'with' him.
Yet I wonder, can I find a person who willing to know Krishna and be with me in my spiritual journey? He is the closest one to it. No matter how I always think that as long as he is no the same path that will be enough, it is not. The more I think though, he is not there yet either. Neither am I ready if I was to find a full flagged devotee husband. I think too much and eventually I decide that lets just see how it goes with fate. But fate let you choose sometimes, which is not good because it makes us feel responsible for what we choose which means we can't complain to God. I should focus on building myself, all else will fall into place. I should fix my praying life, most of all. I thought alot about it yet did nothing bout it. Because I feel anything I want to do, I can only do it if I have God's Grace. To even know what I want, I need his guidance. So I need to fix that first and foremost, then everything will show its way. I should have faith. I do not even know how.
I was rather glad that he was not there. However, I still kind of expect him to come in some ways.
Then he comes and I hide.
When I come out my hiding place, I talked with him.
But he was busy with his dear phone.
He is closing himself he is afraid to get hurt again.
But that phone was not related to that, he has always been busy.
I may be reading to much into it but he is now simply trying to be just friends, if not anything at all.
He ignored me, like how he comfortably ignore his other friends.
However, I would like to believe I am still special.
I do not like that he wasn't giving his attention to me.
Partly though I was glad, because I would feel terrible if that is the way he will be in our 'relationship'. He isn't the caring type. He have never been taught much manners and chivalry, social ettiquete and the sort. He have his reasons, and it doesn't mean that he is bad. But I am not used to being treated like that, so I was glad I choose not to be 'with' him.
Yet I wonder, can I find a person who willing to know Krishna and be with me in my spiritual journey? He is the closest one to it. No matter how I always think that as long as he is no the same path that will be enough, it is not. The more I think though, he is not there yet either. Neither am I ready if I was to find a full flagged devotee husband. I think too much and eventually I decide that lets just see how it goes with fate. But fate let you choose sometimes, which is not good because it makes us feel responsible for what we choose which means we can't complain to God. I should focus on building myself, all else will fall into place. I should fix my praying life, most of all. I thought alot about it yet did nothing bout it. Because I feel anything I want to do, I can only do it if I have God's Grace. To even know what I want, I need his guidance. So I need to fix that first and foremost, then everything will show its way. I should have faith. I do not even know how.
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